Post by Fewms on Mar 1, 2008 3:36:37 GMT
A short primer (for witches only) on the art of fortune telling or a long rambling discourse on the story of my beginnings as a clairvoyant. By Black Earwax Pus
Recently I decided to revisit wise Lip-bibh-khin and Khin-bin-lap, who were responsible for my start on the path of witchiness. When I entered the caravan I found that the place hadn
"Wotchers!" I exclaimed, "Are you please -ed to see me again?"
Khin-bin-lap said "That's nice, dear, but it looks to me like you're one of those witches already." She then smiled distractedly at Lip-bibh-khin.
Oh well. So they'd forgotten me already. Still being witches, they welcomed me into the caravan and allowed me to use all their facilities. It's quite a nice place if you ever feel like visiting. It has everything the modern or old fashioned witch needs.
The caravan looks more like a dedication to the Pharaoh than anything else. The walls are cluttered with his portraits, the shelf with statues, and knick-knacks covering every flat surface. In the corner you will find a small trough and drying plants hang from the ceiling and a grinder is nailed to the wall. A tiny stove has been squeezed in amid all the other clutter.
I had just settled down in the corner with a cup of tea when Lip-bibh-khin said, "Would you like your fortune told? I used to tell fortunes to the Pharaoh, you know." I of course replied in the affirmative. That's when I learned the first lesson of fortunetelling:
Always charge up front. Regardless of how well you know the person or if they're a guest in your house. It's not called fortune telling for nothing.
So, I handed over a small fortune and waited. That's when I learned the second lesson.
Always let the customer go first. Never volunteer information.
"Goodie, I like telling fortunes." Lip-bibh-khin said, "What do you want to hear about?"
"The current campaign in Djelibeybi would be nice. Who
Well, the answer was clear. I learned a lot of interesting facts. I'm sure the ladies had fun. They hadn't had such a well paying customer in ages. After about seven or eight questions had been asked and a lot of money had exchanged hands (one way only, of course), I learned the third most important rule in fortune telling:
Always stick to love, money and happiness. Never volunteer information on anything else. Or do so at your own peril. Really, it's for the customer's own good. It's not good to go around changing the future.
Well, by then I'd learned a lot and also picked up on how to use the common aids to fortune telling, namely caroc cards and tea. I stuck around for a bit more, traveled with them in the caravan, saw a few more stops and practiced my fortune telling skills. I also learned a few facts about the ladies. The saddest story was the one detailing how Lip-bibh-khin wanted to enter the witch trials but wasn't allowed to because she was too "forn". What a xenophobic place Lancre is! And they force us poor young witches, who hardly speak the language to travel all the way to Bad Ass for training. I almost felt like flying off at that moment to give Granny Weatherwax a talking to. And I would have, but I know how busy she is, so I figured it could wait.
So now you know the basics. There are other witches in other realms who can perhaps teach you some of them, but none are as good as our djelian doyennes. Also their squinch is something to be experienced.
I finally decided that the time had come for me to test my skills. Besides, I enjoy traveling and I do love the feel of a broom between my legs. A camel's not quite the same. So I headed straight over to the Fez club. Imagine my lack of surprise then when I spotted our esteemed former editor Husam Ad Din Leyan As Soud lounging on a crimson cushion while watching the belly dancers. He was eager to have his fortune told.
When I looked at him, it was clear his purse was home to only moths. This was clearly going to cause problems with the first rule. However we agreed to waive fees in exchange for free advertising in papyrus' lost edition. He didn't wait but launched straight into the questions: "Will my campaign be successful? Will I ever find out why bellybutton lint is always blue? Can you tell me?" Referring to my caroc cards, I came up with the Seven of Coins. Well, any of my wonderful clairvoyant sisters who are reading this article know what that means! Of course, we all know the results now.
So, ladies and gentlemen and beggars and assorted beings, if you wish to have your fortune told publicly, send me your worries and I'll make sure the whole world knows. If you wish, you may provide an annoyingmous name to protect your identity. We give no guarantees about egos. I am also available for mis-fortune tellings, bat-mitzvahs, showers, weddings and funerals. Tea-readings will cost you the price of tea.
Recently I decided to revisit wise Lip-bibh-khin and Khin-bin-lap, who were responsible for my start on the path of witchiness. When I entered the caravan I found that the place hadn
"Wotchers!" I exclaimed, "Are you please -ed to see me again?"
Khin-bin-lap said "That's nice, dear, but it looks to me like you're one of those witches already." She then smiled distractedly at Lip-bibh-khin.
Oh well. So they'd forgotten me already. Still being witches, they welcomed me into the caravan and allowed me to use all their facilities. It's quite a nice place if you ever feel like visiting. It has everything the modern or old fashioned witch needs.
The caravan looks more like a dedication to the Pharaoh than anything else. The walls are cluttered with his portraits, the shelf with statues, and knick-knacks covering every flat surface. In the corner you will find a small trough and drying plants hang from the ceiling and a grinder is nailed to the wall. A tiny stove has been squeezed in amid all the other clutter.
I had just settled down in the corner with a cup of tea when Lip-bibh-khin said, "Would you like your fortune told? I used to tell fortunes to the Pharaoh, you know." I of course replied in the affirmative. That's when I learned the first lesson of fortunetelling:
Always charge up front. Regardless of how well you know the person or if they're a guest in your house. It's not called fortune telling for nothing.
So, I handed over a small fortune and waited. That's when I learned the second lesson.
Always let the customer go first. Never volunteer information.
"Goodie, I like telling fortunes." Lip-bibh-khin said, "What do you want to hear about?"
"The current campaign in Djelibeybi would be nice. Who
Well, the answer was clear. I learned a lot of interesting facts. I'm sure the ladies had fun. They hadn't had such a well paying customer in ages. After about seven or eight questions had been asked and a lot of money had exchanged hands (one way only, of course), I learned the third most important rule in fortune telling:
Always stick to love, money and happiness. Never volunteer information on anything else. Or do so at your own peril. Really, it's for the customer's own good. It's not good to go around changing the future.
Well, by then I'd learned a lot and also picked up on how to use the common aids to fortune telling, namely caroc cards and tea. I stuck around for a bit more, traveled with them in the caravan, saw a few more stops and practiced my fortune telling skills. I also learned a few facts about the ladies. The saddest story was the one detailing how Lip-bibh-khin wanted to enter the witch trials but wasn't allowed to because she was too "forn". What a xenophobic place Lancre is! And they force us poor young witches, who hardly speak the language to travel all the way to Bad Ass for training. I almost felt like flying off at that moment to give Granny Weatherwax a talking to. And I would have, but I know how busy she is, so I figured it could wait.
So now you know the basics. There are other witches in other realms who can perhaps teach you some of them, but none are as good as our djelian doyennes. Also their squinch is something to be experienced.
I finally decided that the time had come for me to test my skills. Besides, I enjoy traveling and I do love the feel of a broom between my legs. A camel's not quite the same. So I headed straight over to the Fez club. Imagine my lack of surprise then when I spotted our esteemed former editor Husam Ad Din Leyan As Soud lounging on a crimson cushion while watching the belly dancers. He was eager to have his fortune told.
When I looked at him, it was clear his purse was home to only moths. This was clearly going to cause problems with the first rule. However we agreed to waive fees in exchange for free advertising in papyrus' lost edition. He didn't wait but launched straight into the questions: "Will my campaign be successful? Will I ever find out why bellybutton lint is always blue? Can you tell me?" Referring to my caroc cards, I came up with the Seven of Coins. Well, any of my wonderful clairvoyant sisters who are reading this article know what that means! Of course, we all know the results now.
So, ladies and gentlemen and beggars and assorted beings, if you wish to have your fortune told publicly, send me your worries and I'll make sure the whole world knows. If you wish, you may provide an annoyingmous name to protect your identity. We give no guarantees about egos. I am also available for mis-fortune tellings, bat-mitzvahs, showers, weddings and funerals. Tea-readings will cost you the price of tea.