Post by Fewms on Feb 8, 2009 19:14:02 GMT
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Page 7
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Deep Sand: the Vizier's Tale Told
By A Utopian Clerk In Green
"Up at the League, says a friend, there had been one night a brisk conversational discussion, as to what would happen on the Morrow of the Revolution, finally shading off into a vigorous statement by various friends of their views on the future of the fully-developed new society. Afterwards, he found himself musing on the subject-matter of discussion, but still discontentedly and unhappily. 'If I could but see a day of it,' he said to himself; 'If I could but see it!'"
- William Morris, "News From Nowhere".
One recent morning, when I arrived to work at the Council Building on Speedwell Street, I noticed an unusual amount of hustle and bustle agitating the clerks who comprise the bulk of Ankh-Morpork's administration. As I flicked through the paperwork on my desk, I overheard my fellow employees saying things like, "Oh my dear how boring, he's defecting." It turned out that Fane, ex-Vizier of Djelibeybi's socialist banking empire, was defecting to Ankh-Morpork. Clerk Brain (34) said, "He thinks we'll be impressed with what he's done, but he hasn't stopped to think about the paperwork his gesture causes!" Another Clerk, Clerk Geoff (45), told me, "We have a Council to run! If these people can't strike blows for freedom with a valid visa, we don't need 'em!" He then went into a rant about how the "rag heads" were stealing all our jobs and ravishing our women.
As I sought to divine Fane's reasons for defecting, my thoughts turned to the Djelian Revolution. This had consisted of a daring coup by means of which all Djelian player shops were rendered the perpetual property of the State. Since then, it has only been possible to bid for Djelian shops if invited to do so by the Djelian Magistrates. Franchises of foreign banks in Djelibeybi were soon banished, and replaced with a State-controlled monopoly - the People's Bank of Klatch, whose head is the Vizier. It is this post that Fane had lately abandoned.
By contrast, the ideology of Ankh-Morpork Council is laissez-faire capitalism combined with a Night Watchman style of government. Shops and houses are ruinously expensive, and, since they go to whoever wins the auction, concentrated in the hands of a wealthy few. A Morporkian Citizen who possesses little capital cannot participate in the higher forms of economic activity except by enlisting themselves among a successful capitalist's household slaves. Some of us, seeing that Djelian housing costs a pittance of our own, and that their shops enable their State to realise the most utopian ideals, dream of a Morrow of the Revolution of Morpork's own. We are therefore active in Socialist endeavour, organising ourselves in Revolutionary Committees, Youth Socialist Leagues, and so on. I am active in several of these, amongst which I place the greatest hope in the Ankh-Morpork Labour Party.
I left for an early lunch. On the way, I asked several Citizens what they thought of Fane's defection. The first few tried to rob me. The next four had not heard of him, but took the opportunity to ask whether I wanted an 'escort'. Several more sought to sell me foodstuffs, the emphasis being more on "stuff" than on "food". The few who were somewhat informed weren't much help, as they thought it was probably because Fane was "an annoying bugger" and that "not even the Djelians would have him." They all agreed that "now we've been given what both the Djelians and the Morporkians don't want." It was clear that to get any real answers I'd have to go the city of the Djel, Djelibeybi.
I made my way to the docks, where I eventually found a vermilion-painted vessel was bound for Klatch. At its prow stood a gentleman who wore a great quantity of gold. Though dazzled by his ostentatious majesty, I could discern the lineaments of an impressive musculature, which I supposed that he had cultivated by carrying such a weight of precious metal about. I was puzzled when he wondered whether I was ready to depart. "Sir," I protested, "you may, like myself, be eager to rest your jaded soul in that distant pyramidical paragon of social equity and Sektarian brotherhood whither we are bound, but perhaps it would be prudent to await the ferryman's return?" "I assure you," came the reply, "that I am he." Amazed by this admission, I said, "Comrade, I confess that I had mistaken you for a highly succesful capitalist! Or are you, after all, some especially manly and refined young gentleman playing waterman for a spree? In either case, please tell me why it is, if you are as well off as you seem, that you work at a manual trade?"
The Golden Bargeman replied, "None labour in the Djelian utopia, except for pleasure. This sort of work is good for hardening the muscles, and lets one battle buccaneers to and from Djelibeybi, which you must know are wonderful exp." I admitted that we had no buccaneers in Morpork, and expressed admiration for their alleged exp. "You seem dissatisfied with my answer to your question," he continued, "and, as a Morporkian, this would seem inevitable, for the relations between capital and labour existing in the pre-Revolutionary era that our historians call the Age of Confusion remain contemporaneous to your city. If you insist on discussing political philosophy, let me eschew describing the evolution of Communism following the Revolution to merely report that, in the intervening period, we have mastered the principles both of economics and of the historical dialectic, combining them in ways that have been the hope of ages." Hereupon he wandered into a series of disgressions touching on theology, Djelibeybi's course over the next few thousand years and the strange science of psychohistory.
"Comrade," I mused languidly after an interval (the boat was underway, and I occasionally availed myself of the Golden Bargeman's hasheesh-filled hookah), "I sympathise with all the ideals you outlined - the nobility of work, the utility of enabling all Citizens to easily take up a hand in economics' Great Game, the distribution of a political collective's powers, wealth and glory among its members. I was particularly interested in the aspirations you related concerning the international expansion of the Warsaw Pact. A society realising such ideals must indeed satisfy the longing for utopia whose keen intensity causes this Civil Servant's heart to nearly break. And yet - it occurs to me that your full-blooded Socialist policies could not work with us unalloyed, for, not only do we have many more shops than you, but our Citizens are not like your own an elite few, but are a multitudinous mass. For these reasons, a State monopoly in Ankh-Morpork could not work, or would at best end in dystopia. The AMLP's variety of Socialism seems our only hope. I am persuaded by the example of the East, which you have communicated to me, that it is not State ownership of shops, but a shop tax such as the AMLP proposes, that could to gild our State's hand, and prepare the way for Morporkia's Morrow of the Revolution."
I stared dreamily through clouds of scented smoke at the islands drifting past, and noticed that they all had Djelian names. Not a single Morporkian island in the entire sea between AM and Klatch! I wondered whether, under the AMLP, we would some day be able to acquire an island of our own... When, at last, we arrived at the Djelian harbour side, I fished uncertainly in my pockets. Withdrawing my hand, I could only stare at the rusted currency that sat on my palm. "Foreign monies," said the Golden Bargeman, "unless of unadulterated gold, tend be worthless in Djelibeybi owing to the temporal barrier that retains the kingdom's recirculated centuries. Passing through it from the outside, coins that have not been specially made to resist the weight of recycled time age some centuries in an instant." I replaced them in my pocket, unable to rid myself of the feeling that I would offend or amuse him if I persisted in offering those rusty tokens of an outmoded capitalist system.
The Eternal Kingdom. Djelibebyi. The Child of Djel. The Principality of Dios. How clear the air was! How reticulated the sense of time! I wandered about in awe of the scale, the monumentality, of everything. In the bazaar, cripples lounged here and there, but none of them were regarded with pity, nor even with concern; better a beggar in Djelibeybi, I supposed, than a banker in Morpork. There was a strange look about the people's eyes that I did not recognise; a benignity that had no pity in it, nor almost, I thought, anything still entirely human, as we currently understand that state. I soon learnt that the The Nawab of the Treasury, Fewms, out stargazing atop the Klatchistani cliffs. The new Vizier, Fewyn, was supposedly around, but his availability for interview did not synchronise with my brief visit. I decided to visit the master branch of People's Bank of Klatch in the southeastern corner of the eastern Bazaar. I looked about for clues which might provide clues concerning Fane's defection, and was not dissapointed, for my eye lighted on a leaflet-filled box resting on the bank counter. Taking one, I read:
'A Chronological Precis of the Known Facts of the Vizier Scandal for the Enlightenment of the Curious Citizen
By Noise.
The events of February 3 to February 10 2007 are a mystery to many. Using only information available to the general citizenry of Djelibeybi I have reconstructed the known facts surrounding the Vizier scandal. This was easy since I didn't know any other information anyway. The purpose of this article is not to defame or insinuate mismanagement or anything like that, but to demonstrate how the scandal appears to those who are interested but not close to the situation.
Bio:
Name: Fane Slanning.
Occupation: Cutpurse.
Age: 60 Days old
Philosophical Orientation: Sekkite.
Finger and refer have little else to offer.
Chronology:
Feb 3: Fane (age 60 days) posts on Djelibeybi Council Board (the locus of all subsequent events) that he is confused about the election cycle.
Feb 4: Admin (age unknown) posts that Fane is selected as Vizier, in their words: "After much laborious thought and effort the Magistrates have selected Fane as the Vizier for Djelibeybi."
Feb 4: Fane announces a project to identify all player shops in the disc for the furtherment of Djelibeybi's international economic expansion.
Feb 5: Fane explains progress on the Player Shop Project; sounds happy and positive.
Feb 5: PR statement denying rumours of misdealing on the part of any branch of Djelibeybi Council.
Feb 9: Fane posts that the People bank of Klatch will soon own a shop to be called 'Pyramid on the Square' in the northwestern part of Ohulan Cutash's marketplace.
Feb 9: Tanis offers to run said shop for the council.
Feb 9: Fane posts that he is stepping down from the post of Vizier. His only comment is: "I have experienced what I refused to believe when told by others."
Feb 10: Fewms posts on DCB expressing concern about the public crisis resulting from an unexplained private grudge between ex-Vizier Fane and a certain magistrate, and wanting to know more about what happened. Hints at exasperation at the depths of mystery.
Feb 10: PR statement that everything is now under control, and that inquiries will be made into the resignation. It is hinted that at least part of the issue resulted from a slow communication between the council, which is qualified by insistence that this is not really a problem.
Feb 11: PR statement on DCB and announces council website is back up.
Investigation into site reveals no further information on Vizier Scandal.
Feb 12: Clover posts that the Magistrates have discussed an important issue and as a result want to open discussion on how old someone should be to become a citizen.
From then on, new topics and posts unrelated to the scandal continue till
Feb 14: PR statement announcing that the position for Vizier is once again open. No mention of Fane or issues that may of affected the resignation. Fewyn is eventually appointed.
Summary:
19:05- 22:21 Feb 9, is a very interesting period of time with Fane going from "Proud and Privileged" to withdrawing from the position in just over 3 hours. This reporter calls for answers. Public answers. At the very least there needs to be a public statement indicating a general reason why Fane resigned, and what is being done to prevent similar occurrences in the future.'
With a sigh, I admitted to the bank teller both why I had come and my continuing confusion. He nodded thoughtfully, then said, "It is simple enough. Fane is an anarchist. A doctrinaire of Permanent Revolution, he considers anything but Revolution itself to be the Revolution's failure. He left Djelian society because opposed to societies generally. As for why we appointed an anarchist as the head of the People's Bank...well, we mistook him for a Menshevik. You will concede that they can be difficult to tell apart." "They are indeed," I conceded, "but why has he defected to Ankh-Morpork, if a despiser of society?" The teller shrugged. "Probably he imagines that that is where society is least to be found. Besides, a Revolutionary needs society; what can one upset by oneself? It is an immutable dialectic."
I returned to Ankh-Morpork later that day, and made my way thoughtfully to Speedwell Street, which is the Avenue of Phaorohs of Morporkian bureaucracy. I had meant to report my findings to Calagan, but he wasn't in. Fane's application for citizenship had been approved, but there had been an unexpected complication requiring him to be enclosed in a 'sand containment field'. The 'containment field' was nothing more than Clerk Brain's cubicle with a blanket over the top. "Gentlemen..." I began disapprovingly. Clerk Brain pretended not to recognise me: "Are you defecting too, sir?" "No!" I retorted. "As a Citizen and a member of the Morporkian government, I demand that you give this anarchist your immediate attention!" They grumbled, but took away the blanket and let Fane out. While he stood blinking in the light of day, Clerk Brain handed Fane his citizenship papers, and remarked a little musically; "Now that you've filled in all the forms and been passed clear of all disease, debriefed, debugged, dedrugged, disarmed, and disinfected, please - don't forget the guys who cut your keys!"
Page 7
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Deep Sand: the Vizier's Tale Told
By A Utopian Clerk In Green
"Up at the League, says a friend, there had been one night a brisk conversational discussion, as to what would happen on the Morrow of the Revolution, finally shading off into a vigorous statement by various friends of their views on the future of the fully-developed new society. Afterwards, he found himself musing on the subject-matter of discussion, but still discontentedly and unhappily. 'If I could but see a day of it,' he said to himself; 'If I could but see it!'"
- William Morris, "News From Nowhere".
One recent morning, when I arrived to work at the Council Building on Speedwell Street, I noticed an unusual amount of hustle and bustle agitating the clerks who comprise the bulk of Ankh-Morpork's administration. As I flicked through the paperwork on my desk, I overheard my fellow employees saying things like, "Oh my dear how boring, he's defecting." It turned out that Fane, ex-Vizier of Djelibeybi's socialist banking empire, was defecting to Ankh-Morpork. Clerk Brain (34) said, "He thinks we'll be impressed with what he's done, but he hasn't stopped to think about the paperwork his gesture causes!" Another Clerk, Clerk Geoff (45), told me, "We have a Council to run! If these people can't strike blows for freedom with a valid visa, we don't need 'em!" He then went into a rant about how the "rag heads" were stealing all our jobs and ravishing our women.
As I sought to divine Fane's reasons for defecting, my thoughts turned to the Djelian Revolution. This had consisted of a daring coup by means of which all Djelian player shops were rendered the perpetual property of the State. Since then, it has only been possible to bid for Djelian shops if invited to do so by the Djelian Magistrates. Franchises of foreign banks in Djelibeybi were soon banished, and replaced with a State-controlled monopoly - the People's Bank of Klatch, whose head is the Vizier. It is this post that Fane had lately abandoned.
By contrast, the ideology of Ankh-Morpork Council is laissez-faire capitalism combined with a Night Watchman style of government. Shops and houses are ruinously expensive, and, since they go to whoever wins the auction, concentrated in the hands of a wealthy few. A Morporkian Citizen who possesses little capital cannot participate in the higher forms of economic activity except by enlisting themselves among a successful capitalist's household slaves. Some of us, seeing that Djelian housing costs a pittance of our own, and that their shops enable their State to realise the most utopian ideals, dream of a Morrow of the Revolution of Morpork's own. We are therefore active in Socialist endeavour, organising ourselves in Revolutionary Committees, Youth Socialist Leagues, and so on. I am active in several of these, amongst which I place the greatest hope in the Ankh-Morpork Labour Party.
I left for an early lunch. On the way, I asked several Citizens what they thought of Fane's defection. The first few tried to rob me. The next four had not heard of him, but took the opportunity to ask whether I wanted an 'escort'. Several more sought to sell me foodstuffs, the emphasis being more on "stuff" than on "food". The few who were somewhat informed weren't much help, as they thought it was probably because Fane was "an annoying bugger" and that "not even the Djelians would have him." They all agreed that "now we've been given what both the Djelians and the Morporkians don't want." It was clear that to get any real answers I'd have to go the city of the Djel, Djelibeybi.
I made my way to the docks, where I eventually found a vermilion-painted vessel was bound for Klatch. At its prow stood a gentleman who wore a great quantity of gold. Though dazzled by his ostentatious majesty, I could discern the lineaments of an impressive musculature, which I supposed that he had cultivated by carrying such a weight of precious metal about. I was puzzled when he wondered whether I was ready to depart. "Sir," I protested, "you may, like myself, be eager to rest your jaded soul in that distant pyramidical paragon of social equity and Sektarian brotherhood whither we are bound, but perhaps it would be prudent to await the ferryman's return?" "I assure you," came the reply, "that I am he." Amazed by this admission, I said, "Comrade, I confess that I had mistaken you for a highly succesful capitalist! Or are you, after all, some especially manly and refined young gentleman playing waterman for a spree? In either case, please tell me why it is, if you are as well off as you seem, that you work at a manual trade?"
The Golden Bargeman replied, "None labour in the Djelian utopia, except for pleasure. This sort of work is good for hardening the muscles, and lets one battle buccaneers to and from Djelibeybi, which you must know are wonderful exp." I admitted that we had no buccaneers in Morpork, and expressed admiration for their alleged exp. "You seem dissatisfied with my answer to your question," he continued, "and, as a Morporkian, this would seem inevitable, for the relations between capital and labour existing in the pre-Revolutionary era that our historians call the Age of Confusion remain contemporaneous to your city. If you insist on discussing political philosophy, let me eschew describing the evolution of Communism following the Revolution to merely report that, in the intervening period, we have mastered the principles both of economics and of the historical dialectic, combining them in ways that have been the hope of ages." Hereupon he wandered into a series of disgressions touching on theology, Djelibeybi's course over the next few thousand years and the strange science of psychohistory.
"Comrade," I mused languidly after an interval (the boat was underway, and I occasionally availed myself of the Golden Bargeman's hasheesh-filled hookah), "I sympathise with all the ideals you outlined - the nobility of work, the utility of enabling all Citizens to easily take up a hand in economics' Great Game, the distribution of a political collective's powers, wealth and glory among its members. I was particularly interested in the aspirations you related concerning the international expansion of the Warsaw Pact. A society realising such ideals must indeed satisfy the longing for utopia whose keen intensity causes this Civil Servant's heart to nearly break. And yet - it occurs to me that your full-blooded Socialist policies could not work with us unalloyed, for, not only do we have many more shops than you, but our Citizens are not like your own an elite few, but are a multitudinous mass. For these reasons, a State monopoly in Ankh-Morpork could not work, or would at best end in dystopia. The AMLP's variety of Socialism seems our only hope. I am persuaded by the example of the East, which you have communicated to me, that it is not State ownership of shops, but a shop tax such as the AMLP proposes, that could to gild our State's hand, and prepare the way for Morporkia's Morrow of the Revolution."
I stared dreamily through clouds of scented smoke at the islands drifting past, and noticed that they all had Djelian names. Not a single Morporkian island in the entire sea between AM and Klatch! I wondered whether, under the AMLP, we would some day be able to acquire an island of our own... When, at last, we arrived at the Djelian harbour side, I fished uncertainly in my pockets. Withdrawing my hand, I could only stare at the rusted currency that sat on my palm. "Foreign monies," said the Golden Bargeman, "unless of unadulterated gold, tend be worthless in Djelibeybi owing to the temporal barrier that retains the kingdom's recirculated centuries. Passing through it from the outside, coins that have not been specially made to resist the weight of recycled time age some centuries in an instant." I replaced them in my pocket, unable to rid myself of the feeling that I would offend or amuse him if I persisted in offering those rusty tokens of an outmoded capitalist system.
The Eternal Kingdom. Djelibebyi. The Child of Djel. The Principality of Dios. How clear the air was! How reticulated the sense of time! I wandered about in awe of the scale, the monumentality, of everything. In the bazaar, cripples lounged here and there, but none of them were regarded with pity, nor even with concern; better a beggar in Djelibeybi, I supposed, than a banker in Morpork. There was a strange look about the people's eyes that I did not recognise; a benignity that had no pity in it, nor almost, I thought, anything still entirely human, as we currently understand that state. I soon learnt that the The Nawab of the Treasury, Fewms, out stargazing atop the Klatchistani cliffs. The new Vizier, Fewyn, was supposedly around, but his availability for interview did not synchronise with my brief visit. I decided to visit the master branch of People's Bank of Klatch in the southeastern corner of the eastern Bazaar. I looked about for clues which might provide clues concerning Fane's defection, and was not dissapointed, for my eye lighted on a leaflet-filled box resting on the bank counter. Taking one, I read:
'A Chronological Precis of the Known Facts of the Vizier Scandal for the Enlightenment of the Curious Citizen
By Noise.
The events of February 3 to February 10 2007 are a mystery to many. Using only information available to the general citizenry of Djelibeybi I have reconstructed the known facts surrounding the Vizier scandal. This was easy since I didn't know any other information anyway. The purpose of this article is not to defame or insinuate mismanagement or anything like that, but to demonstrate how the scandal appears to those who are interested but not close to the situation.
Bio:
Name: Fane Slanning.
Occupation: Cutpurse.
Age: 60 Days old
Philosophical Orientation: Sekkite.
Finger and refer have little else to offer.
Chronology:
Feb 3: Fane (age 60 days) posts on Djelibeybi Council Board (the locus of all subsequent events) that he is confused about the election cycle.
Feb 4: Admin (age unknown) posts that Fane is selected as Vizier, in their words: "After much laborious thought and effort the Magistrates have selected Fane as the Vizier for Djelibeybi."
Feb 4: Fane announces a project to identify all player shops in the disc for the furtherment of Djelibeybi's international economic expansion.
Feb 5: Fane explains progress on the Player Shop Project; sounds happy and positive.
Feb 5: PR statement denying rumours of misdealing on the part of any branch of Djelibeybi Council.
Feb 9: Fane posts that the People bank of Klatch will soon own a shop to be called 'Pyramid on the Square' in the northwestern part of Ohulan Cutash's marketplace.
Feb 9: Tanis offers to run said shop for the council.
Feb 9: Fane posts that he is stepping down from the post of Vizier. His only comment is: "I have experienced what I refused to believe when told by others."
Feb 10: Fewms posts on DCB expressing concern about the public crisis resulting from an unexplained private grudge between ex-Vizier Fane and a certain magistrate, and wanting to know more about what happened. Hints at exasperation at the depths of mystery.
Feb 10: PR statement that everything is now under control, and that inquiries will be made into the resignation. It is hinted that at least part of the issue resulted from a slow communication between the council, which is qualified by insistence that this is not really a problem.
Feb 11: PR statement on DCB and announces council website is back up.
Investigation into site reveals no further information on Vizier Scandal.
Feb 12: Clover posts that the Magistrates have discussed an important issue and as a result want to open discussion on how old someone should be to become a citizen.
From then on, new topics and posts unrelated to the scandal continue till
Feb 14: PR statement announcing that the position for Vizier is once again open. No mention of Fane or issues that may of affected the resignation. Fewyn is eventually appointed.
Summary:
19:05- 22:21 Feb 9, is a very interesting period of time with Fane going from "Proud and Privileged" to withdrawing from the position in just over 3 hours. This reporter calls for answers. Public answers. At the very least there needs to be a public statement indicating a general reason why Fane resigned, and what is being done to prevent similar occurrences in the future.'
With a sigh, I admitted to the bank teller both why I had come and my continuing confusion. He nodded thoughtfully, then said, "It is simple enough. Fane is an anarchist. A doctrinaire of Permanent Revolution, he considers anything but Revolution itself to be the Revolution's failure. He left Djelian society because opposed to societies generally. As for why we appointed an anarchist as the head of the People's Bank...well, we mistook him for a Menshevik. You will concede that they can be difficult to tell apart." "They are indeed," I conceded, "but why has he defected to Ankh-Morpork, if a despiser of society?" The teller shrugged. "Probably he imagines that that is where society is least to be found. Besides, a Revolutionary needs society; what can one upset by oneself? It is an immutable dialectic."
I returned to Ankh-Morpork later that day, and made my way thoughtfully to Speedwell Street, which is the Avenue of Phaorohs of Morporkian bureaucracy. I had meant to report my findings to Calagan, but he wasn't in. Fane's application for citizenship had been approved, but there had been an unexpected complication requiring him to be enclosed in a 'sand containment field'. The 'containment field' was nothing more than Clerk Brain's cubicle with a blanket over the top. "Gentlemen..." I began disapprovingly. Clerk Brain pretended not to recognise me: "Are you defecting too, sir?" "No!" I retorted. "As a Citizen and a member of the Morporkian government, I demand that you give this anarchist your immediate attention!" They grumbled, but took away the blanket and let Fane out. While he stood blinking in the light of day, Clerk Brain handed Fane his citizenship papers, and remarked a little musically; "Now that you've filled in all the forms and been passed clear of all disease, debriefed, debugged, dedrugged, disarmed, and disinfected, please - don't forget the guys who cut your keys!"