|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 2:57:25 GMT
EDITOR'S ADDRESS -Editor in Chief Elera
We are living in interesting times, Comrades. Not because we wish to, but because the foreign powers will not rest until they have subjugated us. Those powers have seen us rise toward the greatness we deserve, and they fear they will lose any chance to control us. They speak of wanting us to become "civilised" and to advance toward glory, but they do not see the value of our civilisation compared the decadent self-promotion of their lands, and when we show signs of advancing far enough to surpass them economically, they threaten to destroy us.
The Papyrus, the City of Djelibeybi, and the People of Klatch have come under attack as they never have before. Not only has the Green Slab threatened to denounce us, it has enlisted creators to act on their behalf. Creators formerly loyal to the Cause of improving the technology of The Papyrus have been turned against us, and induced to abandon us. Because we will not allow these foreign powers to dictate the contents of our beloved newspaper, they will oppose us at every turn.
But we serve you, the People of Klatch, and we would rather struggle and express ourselves freely for your benefit and on your behalf, than take the vast riches offered if we were only willing submit to the control of the foreign powers. We will not be controlled by the newspapers of Agatea, nor the creators of Ankh-Morpork. We will be free, even at the cost of poverty.
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 2:58:48 GMT
INTERVIEW WITH REALITY: Proof of the Foreign Crespiracy Against the Great Nation of Klatch! -Editor in Chief Elera
Now that The Papyrus has been revitalised with new energy and purpose, the foreign dogs working for the capitalist newspapers are starting to view us as a serious threat. The Green Slab and the open sore upon the Disc known as Ankh-Morpork have joined together to attempt to destroy The Papyrus, before the Great City of Djelibeybi can use it to spread their enlightened messages of equality and co-operation.
This conspiracy first became clear during an exclusive interview with Reality, a Morporkian creator. Not only did she attempt to stop The Papyrus' publication of an astrology report far superior to her alt's (a reporter for the Green Slab), she promised to oppose the very existence of facilities that might make The Papyrus even more efficient and effective!
You tell Reality v 2.0: I won't print anything stolen. Reality v 2.0 asks you: Using different star signs? Reality v 2.0 tells you: Because that is the work she wanted to use.
Because Reality's alt's Green Slab article listed star signs created by The Great Creator (Pratchett Almighty), she used the pretense that it would be plagiarism for us to acknowledge that such stars signs actually exist and use them as well, even with independent and far superior predictions. When I pointed out that the information was free to all, and not created by her, she attempted to justify her stance based on having done the research without help, whereas our own Astrologer was bright enough to ask around for information on Discworldian astrology, and use the information she was given independently of any inferior Green Slab articles.
Reality was quite cranky throughout the interview (probably due to the miserable Morporkian weather), and began making threats. First of all, she promised to publish a Green Slab article accusing us "towelheads" of plagiarism. When I was not dissuaded by this threat, and expressed my respect for her right to publish articles in substandard newspapers, she moved on to more dire threats.
Reality v 2.0 tells you: It is also the last time I do anything cre-wise to try and help get the paper a real paper :P Reality v 2.0 tells you: After all, I'm am AM coder :P
Indeed, it seems the other newspapers will go to any lengths to suppress the People of Klatch, even enlisting their creator alts to aid them in DESTROYING us. But we SHALL NOT bow down to their threats! We are STRONG!! We are the PEOPLE OF KLATCH, and we know our DESTINY is to overcome these FOREIGN DOGS!!! Our day of RIGHTEOUSNESS shall RISE IN THE SKIES as clear as the STARS that CANNOT BE OWNED!!!! WE SHALL DESTROY OUR ENEMIES!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:03:28 GMT
by Fewms
Another election season has come to a close. After one of the bloodiest campaigns in recent memory (two candidates actually made speeches), we have at last chosen our new slate of Magistrates. Our tireless political correspondent Fewms brings you an analysis of the winners, their promises, and their prospects.
Ptoley Pteh Pterrible Magistrate Ptoley ran on a platform of overhauling the convoluted Djelian penal code, and the more obscure vagenal code. This drew strong support from some members of the PK Citizenry who would like to see less Council interference in PK disputes. He has always been tough on crime, having served as the PK Chief of CONDM. Furthermore, he spent a good part of his last Magistrate term testing the Council's new inhume capability. However, Ptoley was catapulted to electoral victory by his promise to personally satisfy each and every inhabitant of Djelibeybi. Given the literal-mindedness of our populace, he should have his hands (to say the least) full.
Sultan Gwydion Gleams In Ebony auf der Scheibe Unto This Last and so on Early in the race for Magistrate, Gwydion swore an oath to Seven-Handed Sek to always uphold the honor of Djelibeybi and to make the welfare of Her Citizens his primary concern. In their infinite wisdom, the People decided that if you can't trust an oath made to the Lord of Lies and Mayhem, what can you trust? Having served as Magistrate, KCC vice president, Papyrus Editor-in-Chief, and Ambassador to Ankh-Morpork, this Diabolical Deacon from the Diamond City has influenced nearly every aspect of the politics of his adopted home. In his new term, he gleefully anticipates sentencing miscreants to death, and already has plans to conquer Ephebe if it ever bothers to exist.
Nabber 'sinYourPants The true freshman in our new Magistrate class, Nabber's only political role thus far has been a brief stint as KCC Vice President. However, he is quick to point out that he has abundant courtroom experience, having stood trial on countless occasions. Unphased by the controversy he often stirs up, Nabber has astutely proclaimed that "people either love me or hate me, or have feelings in between those two extremes. And of course some people have no opinion about me at all." He agreed to run for Magistrate only after being assured that the law prohibits people from harming Magistrates during the course of their duties, and not vice versa.
Leyan al'Mahd Now in his third term, Magistrate Leyan can point to a string of successes in his distinguished career, including new bank branches, new amendments, and several wise and just courtroom settlements. He is known for always keeping a cool head, and even more widely known for always being nicely toasted. His "Affordable Pharmaceuticals" platform seems to have struck a chord with young and old alike, making him one of the most popular political figures in Djelibeybi. However, while his supporters think of him as "Uncle Leyan", his opponents think of him, very briefly, as "The Dirk In The Dark".
Sultan Ptenisnet Pteh Pterrible Perhaps the most surprising entrant into this term's election was Ptenisnet, who retired from politics a year ago after several fruitful Magisterial terms, claiming that he had accomplished everything he had ever set out to do. In the subsequent year he apparently got quite busy, and fathered our very own Magistrate Ptoley Pteh Pterrible (don't ask... it's probably quantum). At first polling quite low in the recent electoral race, Ptenisnet fired his campaign manager, then skyrocketed to the front of the pack with his brilliant "update the blackboard at the People's Bank" platform. This reporter fervently hopes that he keeps his promise.
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:04:05 GMT
Have you ever tried to read a street sign, but it just looked like cute (and sometimes disturbing) pictures? Weren't sure if you were going to the Klatch Foreign Legion or the Crocodile Pits? Well here is your guide to reading Djelian at any skill level!
Instead of using an alphabet like the Morporkians, in Djelibeybi we use a syllabary that only focuses on consonant sounds. This means that we use unique symbols for each combination of sounds, instead of for each individual sound like would be done in an alphabet. Use of a syllabary means that we can compress much more information into a smaller space, and that we must learn many more symbols before we can read and write fluently.
For those not blessed with the native intelligence of the Djelians, this can make it a very daunting task to learn to read Djelian. Fortunately, with a list of Djelian symbols and their approximate Morporkian translations, even warriors and thieves can understand the general gist of most written messages.
It is important to note that many sounds are not translated into written Djelian at all. Any consonants capitalised or without a letter or a space following them will be omitted. Consonant sounds that end in "s" (other than "ss"), and consonant sounds that would translate to more than two letters in other languages will also not be seen in Djelian writing. We have also long despised the use of a "j" symbol, and, of course, use no vowels. Finally, we do not use many other Morporkian consonant combinations that would otherwise be acceptable (br, by, dd, dg, dj, ff, gr, kn, ld, lm, lt, ly, mb, nc, ng, nl, ns, nt, ph, pl, pr, rd, rk, rm, rn, rp, rt, rv, ry, sc, ty, wh, etc.).
Each word is separated by a space, while symbols within a word are separated by commas. For example, "miss elera" would be written as "Fat hippo, flatulent eagle Large flail, wise owl"
The following are the symbols we do use, and their translations to the Morporkian alphabet: Small shrub = b Dead shrub = bb Shrub in flames = bl Straight line = c Squiggly line = ch Wavy line = ck Zigzag line = cl Dotted line = cr Dashed line = ct Small pot = d Large pot = dr Standing ibis = f Flying ibis = ff Ibis with an arrow stuck in it = fr Black cat = g Sleeping cat = gh Cat with a dead ibis = gr Sacred ankh = h Reaping hook = k Large flail = l Flail with bit missing = ll Fat hippo = m Two fat hippos = mm Rising sun = n Setting sun = nk Eclipsed sun = nd Swimming crocodile = p Snoozing crocodile = pp Feeding crocodile = pr Basking crocodile = pt Man-eating cabbage = q Wise owl = r Stupid owl = rr Majestic eagle = s Constipated eagle = sh Stunned eagle = sl Starving eagle = sp Flatulent eagle = ss Intoxicated eagle = st Man with pot = t Man with bucket = th Man with mop = tr Man with dustpan and brush = tt Golden bow = v Pile of sand = w Gritty sand = wr Upside-down camel = x Broken bulrush = y Small beehive = z
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:05:33 GMT
One fun use of the translation list can in determining what your name would be written in Djelian. For example, "Elera" would be "large flail, wise owl". Some names are more difficult. "Gwydion", for example, would only be "rising sun". If you ignore the traditional rules, however, you can break down the combined consonants for a more impressive sounding name. If we look at "Gwydion" as "g-w-y-d-n" instead of "gwyd-n", his name would look like "black cat, pile of sand, broken bulrush, small pot, rising sun". Some believe these syllabic name translations can tell you about the inner nature of that person. For example, "large flail, wise owl" may indicate someone who uses force wisely (or a bird with a big stick).
Common single-symbol translations: Small pot (d) = do, die, idea Standing ibis (f) = if, of, foe Black cat (g) = go, age, ago Rising sun (n) = on, in, an, no, one Wise owl (r) = or, are Man with pot (t) = at, to, it, too, toe, tie Man with bucket (th) = the
More importantly, these rudimentary Djelian skills can you help you read signs, such as carriage stop and road directions. At first glance, these can seem indecipherable. Words run together, or are omitted entirely, and forget about line breaks. Fortunately, the more common destinations can be easy to recognise with a little practice. One of the first things you see when reading a note will be Wise owl, man with pot"(r-t). This almost always means "route". The symbols before "route" are the name of the route. "Large flail, small shrub" (l-b) usually translates to "Djelibeybi", hence if the first four symbols are "Large flail, small shrub Wise owl, man with pot", you are reading the table for the Djelibeybi carriage route. If you're reading that table, you know that you're in the right place to wait for that carriage. similarly, initial symbols of "Golden bow, Wise owl" (v-r) mean you're at a stop for the River Route. Because the initial R is capitalised, you won't be able to see the symbol for it.
So now that you know which carriages stop there, how do you know where else they stop? Well, that's what the rest of the symbols are saying. After we strip off the "<X> route" symbols, we should next look at the very end of the table. Each table ends with the line "and back to <your current stop>." This will look like "Eclipsed sun Small shrub, wavy line Man with pot" followed by symbols indicating your current stop. Ignore (or delete) those symbols, as well as the ones indicating the name of the route. What remains are actual stops, looking like "Small shrub, Large flail, Small shrub Rising sun Wise owl Black cat, Rising sun Rising sun Rising sun Wise owl Black cat, Rising sun Rising sun Large flail, Small shrub, Small shrub, Eclipsed sun Small shrub, Wavy line Man with pot Golden bow". First of all, find symbols not separated by a comma. Those symbols always go on the same line: Small shrub, Large flail, Small shrub Rising sun Wise owl Black cat Rising sun Rising sun wise owl black cat Rising sun Rising sun Large flail Small shrub Small shrub
Now we try to figure out which commas indicate two adjacent symbols that are part of the same word. First of all, we notice that the two long lines look very similar to each other. If we assume they should be the same (carriages stop twice at the same place during a round trip), we can understand things a bit better. Because "small shrub" isn't repeated in the second long line, we move that to its own line. Because we have too many rising sun's at the beginning of the 2nd long line, we move it to the previous line, and bring up the final rising sun to the end of the previous line. Small shrub, = b Large flail, = l Small shrub, = b Rising sun Wise owl Black cat, Rising sun Rising sun = n r g-n n Rising sun wise owl black cat, Rising sun Rising sun = n r g-n n Large flail, l Small shrub, b Small shrub, b
This lacks symmetry, so we need more work. If we move things around a bit, keeping all symbols in the same order, we get: Small shrub, = b Large flail, Small shrub = l-b Rising sun Wise owl Black cat, Rising sun Rising sun = n r g-n n Rising sun wise owl black cat, Rising sun Rising sun = n r g-n n Large flail, Small shrub, = l-b Small shrub, b
This looks right. We have a trip that starts here, goes to its end, and comes back while stopping at the same stops. The end point, of course, is unreadable. It would be somewhere between the two identical adjacent lines. So how do we decode the letters we have? "b" usually means Ephebe, while "l-b" denotes Djelibeybi. "n r g-n n" indicates the Klatchian foreign legion Tsortean outpost. So we can translate it to: Ephebe Djelibeybi Klatchian Foreign Legion Tsortean Outpost Klatchian Foreign Legion Tsortean Outpost Djelibeybi Ephebe
Stops such as Kom, Il-Drem, Ankh-Morpork, and Tsort are unreadable, however no one wants to go there anyhow!
Road signs can be even trickier, as there is less information and a larger percentage of it is unreadable. But by applying the tricks learned for carriage tables, combined with basic format rules for road signs, we can make some progress. An important difference to note is the extra spaces between some symbols. This happens where " - " is used, and is very useful for knowing how many directions there are. We'll start with a sign reading "Intoxicated eagle Large flail, Intoxicated eagle Standing ibis, Wise owl Eclipsed sun Rising sun Majestic eagle, Man with bucket Large flail, Small shrub, Man with bucket, Intoxicated eagle Large flail, Small shrub Wise owl" and arrange symbols based on extra spaces to get: Intoxicated eagle - Large flail, = st l Intoxicated eagle - Standing ibis, Wise owl Eclipsed sun Rising sun Majestic eagle, = st f-r n s Man with bucket - Large flail, Small shrub, Man with bucket, = th l-b-th Intoxicated eagle - Large flail, Small shrub Wise owl = st l-b r
Using the common name translations below, we can decode much of the sign. Then we run into a problem with "l-b-th". We already know that "l-b" is the common sign for Djelibeybi, which means the "th" is on the wrong line. We'll move that down, so now we have: east/west/southwest/northwest/northeast - Al'Khali east/west/southwest/northwest/northeast - Al'Znufir and Tsortean Desert south - Djelibeybi southeast - Djelibeybi Harbour
While the sign still isn't crystal clear, it may be enough to reach your destination, especially if you have some basic written Djelian skills to augment your translation efforts..
Common relevant words in the context of signs: Intoxicated eagle (st) = East, West, Southeast, Northeast, Northwest Man with bucket (th) = South Man with bucket, Intoxicated eagle (th-st) = Southeast Small shrub (b) = Ephebe Large flail, Small shrub (l-b) = Djelibeybi Large flail, Small shrub Wise owl (l-b r) = Djelibeybi Harbour Wise owl (r) = Ur Large flail (l) = Al Khali Standing ibis, Wise owl (f-r) = Al'Znufir Rising sun, Majestic eagle (n s) = Tsortean Desert Golden bow, Wise owl (v-r) = River Wise owl, Man with pot (r-t) = Route Setting sun (nd) = and Small shrub, Wavy line (b-ck) = back Man with pot (t) = to BLANK = North, Southwest, Istanzia, Ankh-Morpork, Kom, Il-Drum
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:06:37 GMT
by a Wretched Scribe in Green
Tale the First - Of Capitalist Duplicity In the days of pre-Revolutionary Djelibeybi a wealthy merchant who could not subdue his enemies made use of the following stratagem. He resigned his Djelian properties, together with what they contained, to be re-auctioned. Before he did so, he mixed his stock of wines with a resin extracted from somniferous seeds, and his provisions with oil of hasheesh. The merchant knew his opponents to be hunger-starved owing to his own predation upon the city's wealth (the glorious Revolution was not yet), and that, overjoyed to find such excellent quarters, they would drink and eat to excess, and fall into an insensible sleep. They did so, and the merchant, returning, put them all to death.
Application: Comrades, the wealthy merchant is the capitalist: let us beware of what he leaves.
Tale the Second - Of Evil Inspiration A former Court Scribe has written that if - O, horrendous blasphemy - a priest is killed in Djelibeybi, his corpse will engender no worms; but, if the corpse be struck with lightning, in a few days it will be full of them.
Application: Comrades, the priest is anyone who is overcome by the will-to-fluff. That soul which cherishes misleading and vapid ideals cannot sustain the worm of Sekkite virtue; but let him be struck by lightning, that is, by the inspiration of the Demon, and he shall be fruitful in evil works.
Tale the Third - Of Idleness and Power The Pharaoh Pterminus, having three sons, wished to make one of them his heir, but he was perplexed by the fact that they were triplets, making inapplicable the rule of seniority. Calling the three into his presence, he spoke thus: "I have decided to give the kingdom of Djelibeybi to the laziest of you." "Then," said the first, "it should be mine: for I am so lazy that, if a thousand thanras were dropped at my feet, I would deliberate uncertainly over whether I should stoop to pick them up." "My laziness is of a more illustrious water," said the second languidly. "Indeed, were I being hanged, I might not, unless I had plans for the evening, lift a knife to cut the rope." "Brothers," sighed the third, "I would roll my eyes at the inferiority of your inactivity, had I any left; but some days ago as I lay abed, I noticed water dripping from the ceiling onto my eyes; and though from the nature of water I was in danger of becoming blind, I neither would nor could turn my head ever so little, to the right hand or to the left." The Pharaoh, hearing of this concrete and not merely theoretical result of his reluctance to act, bequeathed the kingdom to the him, thinking him the laziest of the three.
Application: Comrades, the Pharaoh is the Magistracy. The three sons' tales of their inactivity suggest how it is not uncommon for the idlest Magistrates to be favoured by the electorate and by Providence.
Tale the Fourth - Of Infernal Dew Deep in the cliffs of Klatchistan there is a hidden city in which neither dew nor rain falls. Consequently there is a general aridness and drought; but in this strange country there exists a remarkable fountain (the only one to be found there), from which, when people would draw water, they are accustomed to approach with all kinds of musical instruments. The melody which they produce (which is ever wild, clashing and withal ingenious) miraculously causes the fountain to produce water to the mouth of the fountain, from which it issues forth in great abundance, such that all who have played weird melodies upon their instruments are able to obtain as much as they wish.
Application: Comrades, the waterless land is man; the fountain, the Orthodox Church of Sek; the musical instruments, devotional exercises and expressing solidarity with His priests.
Tale the Fifth - Of Good Magistrates It is related that when all the Djelians desired the death of a certain Magistrate for his extensive programme of tyranny, an aged woman every morning entreated the gods to continue his life beyond hers. The hated Magistrate was surprised at this solitary exception to those baying for his blood, and inquired of her the reason for her clement piety. She replied, "When I was a girl, and governed by a tyrant, I wished for his removal, and presently we obtained a worse one still. Having got rid of him, a still more terrible one succeeded; and therefore, under the reasonable apprehension that your place may be filled by yet a worse, I pray the gods to keep you in place until I can be beyond the influence of Magistrates jealous of one another's reputation for despotism." The Magistrate, hearing this, gave her no further trouble.
Application: Comrades, be not too desirous of change; the dialectic of history swings this way and that, sometimes resembling the guillotine.
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:08:26 GMT
* /"\ / \ /_____\ | . . | < [ > \ V / \_/ ^_^ | __ /. .\ /|\ /\ * _ \ , / ' | ' * / \___\-/ / \ /\ /\ / \ * * * * Hello, Hat Priest. Indeed it is, Ptreat. Is that a new flail? Have you seen any infidels that need smiting? _____________________________
* /"\ / \ /_____\ | . . | < [ > \ ~ / \_/ ^_^ | __ /. .\ /|\ /\ * _ \ , / ' | ' * / \___\-/ / \ /\ /\ / \ * * * * No, and I'm bored How disappointing. now. Entertain me. Now what shall I do with my new flail? _____________________________
* /"\ / \ /_____\ | . . | < [ > \ - / \_/ ^_^ | __ /- -\ /|\ /\ * _ \ , / ' | ' * / \___\-/ / \ /\ /\ / \ * * * * Swing it down a bit As you wish, Ptreat. so I can rub my You are a sacred back on it. cat, after all. _____________________________
* /"\ / \ /_____\ | O O | < ] > \ ~ / \_/ | ^_^ /|\ /. .\ ' |/\ \ , / _ /*\ * \v/___/ \ / \ /\ /\ * * * * Oh! I struck my Silly bird priest, holy piousness didn't Hat warn you with my flail! about playing with Why is a sacred your rod? cat so wicked? Hahahahaha!
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:09:00 GMT
Magistrate Ptoley has charged Laren (dishonoured, 4, PK) with looting PK and NPK belongings from Magistrate Nabber's house. This deed was witnessed by Ptoley himself, as well as numerous others who were unable to stop Laren from further looting because she was exploiting the unattackable period following a recent death. It is also noted in the case that Laren has a history of crime against her own guild in Ankh-Morpork, which the Magistrates might take into consideration.
Calosal has opened 2 cases against 5 different kill stealers, who, in seperate incidents, are reported to have walked into the room with Calosal's groups and attacked and killed NPCs therein. The defendants are Ultimo (priest, 115), Bezmer (priest, 160), Barbosa (thief, 53), Cruiser (assassin, 56), and Exalted (priest, 41).
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:09:55 GMT
by Crazy Old Bat Freyalise
EDITOR'S NOTE: No sacred cats were permanently harmed in the making of these predictions, and in fact had their innards thoroughly cleansed and now experience increased regularity as a result.
The Celestial Parsnip (Start Date January 1 - August 22) The dice have chosen the Desert Winds as the method of divination for the Celestial Parsnip this month. Northern winds indicate much stress. Ah yes, the lunar winds... tread lightly in the harsh sun of danger and... southern breeze... hold true to your gut feelings and traditions - if you might falter, be wary - sharpened objects emerge from the high pressure fluxes... I also sense the Winds of Change (dangerous indeed)... this means you could be blown straight off your feet if you're not careful - a lucky charm of a... colder fronts seem to shift quicker...foot will ward against this. Wear much weight - this is Crucial... the sunwind tells us you might be carried away easily... There also seems to be great controversy in your actions... yes, northern draft... betrayal! Take heed - it speaks about a fruit-related failure.
The Perhaps Gate (Start Date August 23) The dice have chosen the Caroc Cards as the method of divination for the Perhaps Gate this month. First to flip is Magic and the second is the Noble of Daggers. Beware, you are being chased - I see horrible discord in the shadows themselves. People are paid to follow you. Ah, we see a courtyard... it's unveiling... There's lots of movement there but it's foggy and blurred - the mists seem to lock away the pursuer! The Fool comes up next. This brings much-needed visions - you will prevail through pain and the cunning use of the slot machines... Three of Coins. I see poverty around you - not the ordinary one. An accident will happen around you - you're carrying an Auratic misfortune this month... you will make people stumble! Let us peer further... the final draw is the Seven of Staves. Ah yes, we see the misfortune! Someone stumbles into you bearing a message from your adversaries.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars (Start Date August 24 - October 7) The dice have chosen the Vivisection of The Sacred Cat as the method of divination for the Faint Stars this month. Ah yes, your health seems okay during this month, yes. And the pattern of blood trails certainly refers to relationships. Let us examine the pancreas. Oooh, how squishy, your love affairs will bloom this month. Now let us examine the liver... well, I see great financial success and... wait, is that a liver tumor? Yes, indeed it is, your success will be your downfall! You should move away from business while you still can. Ah, the wonderful spleen. The spleen's liquid is of a promising greenish hue - all is not yet lost! You might want to give it one last shot, the downfall seems to be preventable. Now, about your family, the stomach seems very healthy, unwounded, and the acid inside is potent indeed. Your family seems all right. No, wait... there is an irregularity on the intestine side... your children don't favor you as much anymore! Sadly, the intestines are quiet about the details - why don't you try to solve it before it gets out of hand?
The Knotted String (Start Date October 8 - October 27) The dice have chosen the Divining Bob as the method of divination for the Knotted String this month. Hmm, the bob seems to prefer the Triangle of Gilded Futures this time... very well. Let's see...ah, two violent pulls toward the Arch of Destiny, yes, and a circle... your future seems very open. Ah, a twitch in the Staffholder's direction, something will interfere... a whole swing to the east, yes... a full circle and a cross on the Hexagram's centre...yes, this most certainly means moving house... you aren't happy to leave... a sway and a swing to the northern Skies, yes, you will carry the luggage of the past... a small circle... you'll miss your old home. Finality circle and a spiral on the Armed Soldier... frontal assault... hmm... oh dear, yes, the zigzags, yes.... well, ladies, you know what that means... oh dear, another Finality circle, a grave matter indeed, yes... two sharp tugs... Great Statue... impairment, but it's avoidable. Yes, nothing too bad for the month ahead.
The Scissors Lizard (Start Date October 29 - December 31) The dice have chosen the Demon Summoning as the method of divination for the Scissors Lizard this month. After we lit the candles and throw herbs into the fireplace, he decides to appear. The demon is sickly green with white spots, falls out of the cauldron clumsily, and then starts ranting about orchard diseases. Startling. Well, I ask for guidance under the stars of the Scissors Lizard and he says: "Wealth, success and the starry nights, and falling from great heights, and a sharp object in your e... *sniff, sputter, cough*... Did you *cough, spit* boil fish soup in there? *gurgle* Where was I? Oh yes. Sharp object in your ear. Oh, and there's money to come in a round way. What? Don't ask me what that means! There also seems to be a shadow of the past. Perhaps an inner one. And most dangerous, yes." Suddenly a big, red-horned demon climbs out of the cauldron and starts dragging the green one back in, mumbling about unruly children. I get a burning look. "Nothing of interest, except for that sharp object. Kids these days!" and they vanish.
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:10:33 GMT
By now the answer should be obvious: because the Dysk is managed by Morporkian dogs who value profits over originality and artistry. Plagiarising, unfortunately, is the lazy capitalist's preferred method of making money when engaged in creative endeavors. One of the Dysk's most popular plays, "Coward of the Country", plagiarises word for word sections of Kenny Rogers' song "Coward of the County," and a roundworld movie was later based on the song, featuring Mr. Rogers as an actor as well. Furthermore, the plot of the play is identical to the plot of the song and movie, with no humorous additions or changes. As a reporter with strong feelings against plagiarism (especially profiting from it), I sought out the Dysk's current owner, Pozpaws: You tell PozPaws D'Odelay: Last night while watching Jeopardy [my nephew], I realised one of the plays is plagiarised, nearly word for word You tell PozPaws D'Odelay: "Coward of the Country", originally a song written by Kenny Rogers. You tell PozPaws D'Odelay: And since I doubt he's the one that submitted it ... PozPaws D'Odelay tells you: Oh yes. I know. By Nvader. It was approved a long time before I took it [the Dysk] over. Put does PozPaws intend to keep the play running now that the sordid secrets of the Dysk of have been exposed? I asked her, and received the following response: PozPaws D'Odelay tells you: Well, I'll think about pulling it, although I'm not sure I want to do anything about it at this point. It's been running for two years now. You tell PozPaws D'Odelay: It's plagiarism You tell PozPaws D'Odelay: And Nvader is getting royalties for Kenny Rogers' work. PozPaws went on to say that she believed it qualified as a spoof, even though the content of the play is essentially unaltered from the original song lyrics. Perhaps the substandard Morporkian education system and a lack of required qualifications for theatre management are to blame for her inability to properly define "spoof". It is also very unlikely that this plagiarism will be rectified, as PozPaws has already had several months to remove the plagiarised play. You ask PozPaws D'Odelay: How long ago did you become aware your theatre was showing plagiarised work? PozPaws D'Odelay tells you: Let's see. I first recognized the play back when I watched it about eighteen months ago, as I am familiar with the songs of Kenny Rogers. I'm not sure who owned the Dysk back then. As you are probably aware, I only took over as manager a few months ago. Of course, this raises another issue: Why do the Morporkian creators encourage plagiarism? Not only did they build the theatre used to show plagiarised items, they reward players that watch the plagiarised plays! Once again, it would seem that the Morporkian creators are encouraging flagrant capitalism at any cost and conspiring to suppress the glories of communism which Klatch has embraced. You tell Gin 'Bombay' n Tonique: The Dysk has been showing a play plagiarised from a Kenny Rogers song for several months, even though the current management is aware of the plagiarism You tell Gin 'Bombay' n Tonique: Players are encouraged to watch the plagiarised material due to quest reward incentives Gin 'Bombay' n Tonique tells you: Not a problem You ask Gin 'Bombay' n Tonique: Why not? Gin 'Bombay' n Tonique tells you: Because practically everything here is plagiarised. Indeed, no more would be expected of anyone with power in Ankh-Morpork. But does Ankh-Morpork practice what it preaches? You ask Gin 'Bombay' n Tonique: Would you also have no problem with, for example, original AM room descriptions being copied and used on another MUD? Gin 'Bombay' n Tonique asks you: If that mud refused to take them down after I complained, sure. This indicates that Gin prefers the "don't ask, don't tell" approach to plagiarism: so long as the victim of the plagiarism is unaware of it, no harm is done. Or is it? Don't we all suffer when given regurgitated literature with nothing new? When we pay good money to watch it? And aren't we harmed when someone else profits from creative endeavors, without even giving to us recognition for having written it? When literature is plagiarised, -everyone- loses, except the plagiarist and the exploitative capitalist pigs. Fellow writers, whether your be reporters, journalists, I encourage you to boycott selling plays to the Dysk until this travesty has been rectified. We should not mix our ORIGINAL plays with those that have been PLAGIARISED word for word! NO one should WATCH any plays at the HOUSE OF PLAGIARISM until the PLAGIARISM STOPS!! We must use our MORAL OUTRAGE to SHOW these CHARLATANS that we WILL NOT BE DUPED by their CHEAP TRICKS!!! We must UNITE to TEAR DOWN these CAPITALIST OPPRESSORS that TAKE OUR MONEY AND GIVE US RECYCLED FECES!!!! BURN DOWN THE DYSK!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:11:17 GMT
by Magistrate Leyan al Mahd
Poor little doggie when you were barking at the moon? You chased your tail around and around, what did you do that for? And what of the bone you buried? That bone you never could find. Poor little doggie, are you paranoid? Perhaps you should be, this cat is onto you My litter box is now your mind.
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:11:53 GMT
by Fewms
Our brilliant Wordmaster, Fewms, has provided the following anagram puzzles for your solving pleasure. Simply unscramble the capitalised words to complete the sentences or phrases below.
1) When the Pharaoh gets tense, the handmaidens help by massaging his PENSI.
2) The dinner got much juicier when the hostess took out her BRAEST.
3) The young thief was embarrassed by his inadequate GENITLAS.
4) Headline: Businessmen will testify to avoid extended RECTLA probe.
5) Spying on the witch's ritual moonlight dance, the hunter was impressed by her SNACHT.
The first player to submit via mudmail the -correct- answers to the Editor in Chief Elera will receive a prize of 20 talents!
HINT: We are a family-oriented newspaper! Really.
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:12:30 GMT
THE VELVET GAUNTLET Located 6S W 2NW NE N from the Drum in the old Warriors' Guild. Good selection of scrolls, clothing, weapon and accessories stocked daily, now featuring a PBoK bank counter.
THE DRUNKEN BAT Only 1w, 2n from the Co-op bank in Lancre. Lots of great things for sale, stop on by.
PUNCO Just 3e, n from the Drum, containing all sorts of wonderful stuff, including Punarina!
COLUMNISTS NEEDED The Papyrus is hiring enthusiastic columnists willing to write or draw for 100 to 300 tooni per submission. We can help you develop your skills as a columnist, and can help you develop topics if needed.
LEAST HOT DAY PARTY The Council of Djelibeybi is hosting a magnificent party which will be located in the gardens of the Palace, at 22.00 (10:00pm) London time on December 29, 2007. The party will feature live music, as well as the Djelian Witch Ptrials, and a live auction for a unique, hand-scribed copy of The Papyrus. All are welcome!
ADVERTISE HERE Have a message to get out? For just 5 talents (A$25), you can include it in the next edition of The Papyrus!
|
|
|
Post by Fewms on Feb 7, 2008 3:13:06 GMT
This edition's cover art may look familiar to our dedicated readers. This is a cover first used in the sixth edition, contributed by Tarzan. It has now been brought back with full colour added, and it will look most striking against a dark background.
The Papyrus will pay 100-300 tooni for submissions of future cover art for The Papyrus. All submissions must be 1) original work of the submitter and 2) relevant to Klatch.
<ASCII ART>
|
|