Post by Fewms on Feb 20, 2009 3:13:17 GMT
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page 12
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Fane's Mom's Noodles
By Jasassin
The Vizier Scandal, as some call it, had all the elements of a minor Djelian Night. At its heart was a Demon-worshipping thief, Fane Slanning, who rose to become Vizier of the People's Bank of Klatch. What followed - whatever that was - involved a magisterial intrigue. a convoluted attempt to further Djelian economic expansionism, and, most wondered-at of all, the Vizier's abrupt declaration that a grave and mysterious injustice had been committed against him. Together, these factors compelled to abandon his office, and Djelibeybi Council itself, to wander abroad broodingly. We have heard nothing of Fane since he defected to Ankh-Morpork Council, but Jasassin recently caught up with the ex-Vizier's mother when he came to Djelibeybi in search of the perfect noodle recipe...
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While wandering the streets of the ancient cities of the Counter Weight Continent, I visited the various noodle shops. One old man almost had me convinced someone had better noodles than my own. On my way there was a weirdo pickpocket who tried to steal my coins. I noticed the attempt, grabbed his wrist, and threatened to pop his shoulder out of its socket. I calmly asked, "What's so important you would dare try to steal anything from me?" He replied, screaming in pain, "Fane's mom's noodles!" I immediately released his arm. So it seemed Fane's mom lived in a city far from where I was... in a city called Djelibeybi.
With the help of a wizard and many days' and nights' travel, with everything from elephants and cheetahs threatening my life constantly, I made my way northeast from the wizard's portal to the city of Djelibeybi. I could smell the garlic from miles away.
Fane's mom was renowned; she worked at the Fez Club as a dancer. I found her in no time (some poor tramp gave me directions for a few talona) in the Fez Club, towards the south of the Avenue of Pharaohs. As I hassled her for her recipe, a huge bodyguard stepped out to give me a tour of the exit.
There was a young boy hanging around this Fez Club who told me about a place we could go around the building to hide and watch her do her work. He said we could watch until she got off and then we would have no problem asking about her noodle recipe.
After her shift I asked her out for a date to Pharaoh's park. We ate some takeout from some cantina she loved on Temple Street and she showed me a new statue of Hat that was placed on a plinth in the street we were walking along.
I was about to get the recipe from her as we walked west down temple street when a dagger flew out of the shadows toward my throat. I barely raised my arm in time to deflect it. She took my hand and rushed me west, crying, "We must get to the temple of Sessifett, they are after you!" We didn't make it to the temple of Sessifett.
My ghost did learn the recipe:
1 packet ramen noodles in the saquare plastic pack. (always chicken flavor)
(NEVER USE ANYTHING BUT CHICKEN FLAVOR)
(extra and dangerous) 1 special Klatchian garlic (looks like a tiny orange pumpkin, always use orange ones)
Now everyone may think cooking ramen noodles is so simple, but for perfect noodles it's not. You must follow these steps in order to obtain the perfect Fane's Mom bowl of noodles.
If your noodles fit perfectly into your pan, the amount of water you use should be just enough to cover the noodles. If the pan is bigger, use less. Smaller use the same but smash the uncooked noodles so they'll fit in the damn pan.
1. Boil the water in the pan. The water must be boiling before you put the noodles in. Of course the amount of water to start uses the paragraph above.
2. Add the powder.
3. Cook the noodles for 3 minutes exactly.
4. Turn on your faucet and put 1 quick drip of cold water into the finished boiling pot. This water should be cold on a very low pressure setting. Direct 0.5 seconds of the stream into the pot.
5. (extra and dangerous) You could cut off the top 1/16 of the klatchian garlic mince it and throw it in at the beginning of stage one. Don't use more than 1/16 of the pepper or you won't be able to eat it all unless you are hardcore.
Now you may ask why the hell would anyone write this. I have seen people that boil the noodles, drain the noodles and poor the crystals right onto the noodles and stir it. Oh that makes me sick thinking about it.
I have seen people that eat the noodles dry in brick form with the powder sprinkled directly on top.
I have even seen people who just eat the powder and throw the noodles away.
Please use Fane's mom's recipe above.
page 12
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Fane's Mom's Noodles
By Jasassin
The Vizier Scandal, as some call it, had all the elements of a minor Djelian Night. At its heart was a Demon-worshipping thief, Fane Slanning, who rose to become Vizier of the People's Bank of Klatch. What followed - whatever that was - involved a magisterial intrigue. a convoluted attempt to further Djelian economic expansionism, and, most wondered-at of all, the Vizier's abrupt declaration that a grave and mysterious injustice had been committed against him. Together, these factors compelled to abandon his office, and Djelibeybi Council itself, to wander abroad broodingly. We have heard nothing of Fane since he defected to Ankh-Morpork Council, but Jasassin recently caught up with the ex-Vizier's mother when he came to Djelibeybi in search of the perfect noodle recipe...
---------------------------------
While wandering the streets of the ancient cities of the Counter Weight Continent, I visited the various noodle shops. One old man almost had me convinced someone had better noodles than my own. On my way there was a weirdo pickpocket who tried to steal my coins. I noticed the attempt, grabbed his wrist, and threatened to pop his shoulder out of its socket. I calmly asked, "What's so important you would dare try to steal anything from me?" He replied, screaming in pain, "Fane's mom's noodles!" I immediately released his arm. So it seemed Fane's mom lived in a city far from where I was... in a city called Djelibeybi.
With the help of a wizard and many days' and nights' travel, with everything from elephants and cheetahs threatening my life constantly, I made my way northeast from the wizard's portal to the city of Djelibeybi. I could smell the garlic from miles away.
Fane's mom was renowned; she worked at the Fez Club as a dancer. I found her in no time (some poor tramp gave me directions for a few talona) in the Fez Club, towards the south of the Avenue of Pharaohs. As I hassled her for her recipe, a huge bodyguard stepped out to give me a tour of the exit.
There was a young boy hanging around this Fez Club who told me about a place we could go around the building to hide and watch her do her work. He said we could watch until she got off and then we would have no problem asking about her noodle recipe.
After her shift I asked her out for a date to Pharaoh's park. We ate some takeout from some cantina she loved on Temple Street and she showed me a new statue of Hat that was placed on a plinth in the street we were walking along.
I was about to get the recipe from her as we walked west down temple street when a dagger flew out of the shadows toward my throat. I barely raised my arm in time to deflect it. She took my hand and rushed me west, crying, "We must get to the temple of Sessifett, they are after you!" We didn't make it to the temple of Sessifett.
My ghost did learn the recipe:
1 packet ramen noodles in the saquare plastic pack. (always chicken flavor)
(NEVER USE ANYTHING BUT CHICKEN FLAVOR)
(extra and dangerous) 1 special Klatchian garlic (looks like a tiny orange pumpkin, always use orange ones)
Now everyone may think cooking ramen noodles is so simple, but for perfect noodles it's not. You must follow these steps in order to obtain the perfect Fane's Mom bowl of noodles.
If your noodles fit perfectly into your pan, the amount of water you use should be just enough to cover the noodles. If the pan is bigger, use less. Smaller use the same but smash the uncooked noodles so they'll fit in the damn pan.
1. Boil the water in the pan. The water must be boiling before you put the noodles in. Of course the amount of water to start uses the paragraph above.
2. Add the powder.
3. Cook the noodles for 3 minutes exactly.
4. Turn on your faucet and put 1 quick drip of cold water into the finished boiling pot. This water should be cold on a very low pressure setting. Direct 0.5 seconds of the stream into the pot.
5. (extra and dangerous) You could cut off the top 1/16 of the klatchian garlic mince it and throw it in at the beginning of stage one. Don't use more than 1/16 of the pepper or you won't be able to eat it all unless you are hardcore.
Now you may ask why the hell would anyone write this. I have seen people that boil the noodles, drain the noodles and poor the crystals right onto the noodles and stir it. Oh that makes me sick thinking about it.
I have seen people that eat the noodles dry in brick form with the powder sprinkled directly on top.
I have even seen people who just eat the powder and throw the noodles away.
Please use Fane's mom's recipe above.